I turned 30 a month ago. It hasn’t really sunk in yet. It is a really weird thing to look back on an entire decade where so much happened.

On Saying “Goodbye”: 

When you are 20 you don’t think about life too much. Sure, you have dreams, aspirations, hopes, but you haven’t truly done anything with your life yet. You’re not a child but you aren’t really adult enough yet to fully understand the complexities of life. When you are 20 life looks almost bright and shiny. The possibilities are endless. But then life hits you, hard. And you have to make yourself believe in the bright & shiny dreams because life has suddenly become excruciatingly painful & blindingly dark.

Never in my dreams did I think life could get this painful & dark. It never occurred to me that I’d struggle with infertility & have to give up my dreams of carrying my own child. I never dreamed of a world where I would get in a horrible accident & have to learn to walk again at 26. I didn’t know I’d be in chronic pain for the rest of my life. I never knew that I’d hold my dear friend’s hand as she gasped for air to tell me about the legacy she hopes to leave once she passes away from cancer. I couldn’t have imagined the horrific world of foster care until I became a foster parent. I could never have imagined a nurse handing me a baby in the hospital & telling me to run because we weren’t safe & then listening to the screams his biological mother made as I ran. I never thought life would look like my arms wrapped tightly around my sobbing 2 year old as we sat on the foot of her padded hospital bed in the children’s psychiatric ward. Never did I think that I would lose my husband to the deepest depths of depression & spend days, then weeks, & then months holding him at night as he sobbed on the floor of the shower because it was all just too much for him. I never imagined that something like emotions could feel so real that I could touch them until the day I had my heart ripped out of my chest as my children said goodbye to their biological mother for the last time because of her sickness due to substances. Life is brutal & hard. 

But, I never imagined the good. Despite my accident, I did learn to walk again, I’m healing, recovering, & working hard to love my new normal & thrive in this body despite it’s setbacks. I never knew how much love could grow in my heart for children & families because of this foster world. I never knew that my husband & I would become a family because of foster care/adoption & how astonishingly beautiful it could be. I never imagined how breathtaking my son’s eyes could be as they twinkle above the biggest smile. I didn’t know that my husband & I would come out of that pain stronger & more connected than ever before & that he would find healing & learn to live again despite his mental health struggles. I never knew that we & our children would being healing from everything that happened & that we would be stronger because of the adversity. I didn’t know that there could be laughter again. I’m talking grab your sides kind of laughter. The kind of laughter that can fill a room & begin to heal a broken heart. I didn’t know life could be so full & precious. 

In the pursuit of life while in my 20s I think I missed what actually made life, life. There are seasons of surviving & thriving. In life you don’t get that much of a say, but there is no greater reward than to love & to be loved in return. That’s why I’m so grateful for the pain & darkness because it has only been through it that I have found the bright & shiny life I couldn’t even begin to dream about when I was 20. There can be so much beauty as a result of pain that can make life hopeful even, triumphant. I guess if I had to sum it up, that is what my 20s taught me.

On Saying “Hello”:

My 30’s started with a bang. 

• We had two HUGE court hearings for the twin’s case. A lot happened & our family is working through a lot of emotions right now. We hope that we can share more soon.
• My sister turned 25. I feel old typing that! She’s grown into such an amazing woman & I am so proud of her. 
• JJ & I celebrated 7 years together. We ordered take out from the Italian food place where we met.
•  Then the twin’s had their first birthday. Yes, you read that right, ONE! Cue all the tears. I can’t believe our little 4lb baby sis & 5lb baby bro are growing up so fast. 
• I had a BIG doctors appointment & we are so hopeful. I start physical therapy again soon & while I am a little scared, I am so ready to start this new chapter with my health for me & for my family. And I hope to be more brave, & share more of my story and more about our every day life over at @thebrennerbunchhome. I get a lot messages about my accident and what happened. After 4 years I think I am ready to share more about it, and how I am doing now. I hope it opens up more honest conversations about this topic and I hope that someone else can be encouraged by my story & know that even in tremendous pain, you can find healing & that there are amazing resources out there that can help.