The Little Joys

These little ones turned a month old last week and I can’t even believe it. I have so many moments I want to hold on to from these past few weeks. After being a foster mama to 6 babies in the past 2+ years, I’ve learned that being exhausted is one of the greatest badges of motherhood. As tired as we are, this stage: of little coos, 2am cuddles and feedings, diapers up to our elbows, all only last for a short while.

More than the physical exhaustion, I think we are struggling with the emotional exhaustion from the last month. A lot has happened. Someone asked me if I was “excited” to have the twins. The question threw me. There is something awful and unnatural about taking a baby from it’s mother. The twins are the 2nd and 3rd babies I have taken from their biological mother since birth, Sunshine was the first. A came to us at 8 months old, so, that is 4 children I have taken from this mother. I realize that “I” didn’t take them, I know that it was the police, and the state and bio mom’s choices that have placed these children in my care. But in court, at meetings, during visits, the looks that are darted to me from across the room by their mother assumes the blame is on me. She has yelled at me, cursed me out, threatened me, and accused me of horrendous things. So, here I am again, holding more of her babies. The night they came I held them and sobbed. It is a horrible feeling to know that there is a mother somewhere grieving the loss of her children. I hate that this had happened with every fiber of my being. I am not happy. I am not excited. I want to be done. I want to quit. I am so mad at their mother for doing this again, and yet I have so much compassion towards her. I have known this woman for over 2 years and she and I have been through a lot together. She and I share something precious as we are both mother’s to these amazing little children. For the longest time I wanted this awesome co-parenting relationship with her. I used to have a journal I would write to her in, we used to buy her things that she needed, I used to offer holidays and birthdays so we could share in those memories together. I always envisioned all of this differently. I so desperately thought that someday we’d have a close relationship, that we would get to bond over these children and our love for them. The more I grow as a woman, and a mother, and the more I become experienced in this world of foster care I have some to realize that I just have to love. I have to love her where she is. I don’t agree and I am hurt, but I love these sweet children. I will do anything for them, even if that means loving a person who is hard and angry. Choosing to love is hard sometimes, but it is always worth it in the end. All love really needs to thrive on is by finding joy in the little things. Love in the little things is what makes us courageous.

Another drastic and difficult change that has happened with the twins case is that their biological father is now wanting rights and services. Its been a huge curve ball for us as he was never interested or involved in A and Sunshine’s case. It creates a whole new layer of confusion for them as they are getting older and are understanding more and more of what is going on.

JJ said to me as I was writing this blog post, “I feel like we shouldn’t be here at this point, but we are so all we can do from here is go forward and hope.” Hope is what is guiding us as we continue on this journey. That being said, here are a few of the little things that we have loved over the past month. The things that are helping us to be courageous as we solider on together through this world of foster care:

• A’s adoration for all her siblings. She is a little mama, and wakes up wanting to hold “her” babies.

• Sunshine hiding behind his little camera everywhere and asking everyone to say “cheese” 147 thousand times this month.

• The support and love we have received from our foster community and from our sweet neighbors. Both of our families are in busy seasons of life and while some members of our family have stopped by a few times, they haven’t been able to stay for long. I have found myself very overwhelmed by becoming a family of 6 overnight. The bills, groceries, schedule, and time is all up in the air right now. We need help and our neighbors have been over every day just to ask what is needed or if they can just hold a baby so I can cook A and Sunshine’s some dinner. A few foster/adoptive friends have also helped clean and organize our home. My best friend flew out for a week and totally organized, and cleaned our new home. I love when you are worried about something in life, and God shows up in big ways.

• Getting to watch JJ become a dad all over again. He is such a natural father and loves with reckless abandon.

• Having the twins be so healthy. Twins in general tend to have health issues at the beginning. We were sure they would spend a few weeks in the NICU. We had family tell us to prepare for the worst or for something to be wrong. So far, they have been so healthy and are gaining weight.

• Our social community. They have donated items, sent preemie clothes, diapers, swaddles, baby swings, formula and other baby essentials. We had no idea that we would be welcoming new babies into our home again so soon. We had given most of our baby items away to other foster families. So, when the twins came we had very little. And to those of you reading our blog! Those who have been following our story since the beginning, we so appreciate all the love and support.

• The sleep that we do get. We aren’t sleeping much but we are so thankful for the nights that we do get some rest.

• For our foster team. Our case manager, CASA, the kiddo’s lawyer and judge are all the same as A & Sunshine’s. So, we are thankful that everyone who has been on this journey with us can also be advocates for the twins and their rights as children.

• For God and his grace. The more I live in this craziness of foster care the more I am amazed at God’s love and grace for each of us. It’s sometimes difficult for me to extend love and grace to others, but I need it and want it for myself. I have become so aware of this over the past few months. I am so thankful for a God who loves and extends grace to each of us no matter if we deserve it or not.
• We also have HUGE news that we are so excited to share with you soon!!